New Year

   I've been finding it very difficult to go about editing this book the way I have been. I feel like publishing it as I go is not only making it harder for me to edit it properly, but it's also doing a disservice to Alex, who, while a dedicated writer, was not the strongest novelist. This isn't a fault of his by any means. Even the most brilliant writers have had their work edited so heavily you wouldn't recognize it in its original form. Once, at Indiana University's Lilly Library, I saw a Raymond Carver manuscript on which Gordon Lish crossed out nearly every single sentence. A lot of people credit Lish with making Carver who he was for that very reason. He edited like an archeologist on a dig, painstakingly brushing away mountains of grit and grime to reveal the valuable nugget underneath. While Alex and I are a duo more akin to Ren and Stimpy than Carver and Lish, I still want to treat his work with that level of care, so I'm going to stop publishing as I go. From now on I will be typing it up on my own, editing it privately, and will only reveal the valuable nuggets. I'm sorry if this disappoints anyone who may feel like this is a betrayal to what he wanted, or is somehow not as honest, upfront, or raw. But as the invention of HD televisions has taught us, there is beauty in an edited production. Without that process, everything looks like a soap opera.

   Thank you for reading along this year. While I won't be publishing his work as I go, I will still be posting about my experiences editing his work and moving through this bizarre grieving process. I also hope to again start writing about things that don't relate to my brother. I may not publish them here, but I think it's time I try. Since his first prison sentence, a part of my brain decided that it wasn't fair to experience anything without relating it to my brother, since he could experience so little himself. I'm trying to do this less. I can love him without feeling bad that he can't run down a mountain, or give someone a hug, or eat a slice of pie. I can remember him without letting memories cloud my vision of what's before me. I can honor him without being miserable. I can live. It's okay to live. It's okay to enjoy living. So I will. I hope you will, too.

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